Joke Stories :D

[Evil Monkey]

These stories are not mine, but from another member named fartermissile on a different forum and I would like to share them to everyone

 

Ok now the stories:

 

 

Importance of a name

____________________

 

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

 

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

 

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

 

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

 

"Yes, I do."

 

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have [bleeped!] with her?"

 

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

 

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

 

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

 

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

 

Importance of a word

____________________

 

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

 

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

 

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Steve.

 

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

 

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind--either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

 

"Well, OK," says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

 

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

 

"Hi there," says Steve, "looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," says the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Steve stares at him in horror and screams, "(other word for female dog)"! THAT'S the word

 

Lost Ball

_________

 

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

 

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

 

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

 

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,

"Hey, this looks like yours!"

 

Gambler

_______

 

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

 

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

 

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

 

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

 

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

 

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

 

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

 

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

 

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

 

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

 

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

 

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

 

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

 

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

 

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

 

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

 

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

 

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

 

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

 

Wisdom of age

__________________

 

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

 

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

 

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."

 

 

Be Strong!

_________

 

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

 

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

 

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.

 

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants [bleeped!], don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.

 

This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.

Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

 

He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

 

Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

 

 

[Wizard]

Most of these are commonplace. They've been past down throughout office email chains and forums throughout internet history.

 

Still pretty d4mn funny though.

[Evil Monkey]

Most of these are commonplace. They've been past down throughout office email chains and forums throughout internet history.

 

Still pretty d4mn funny though.

 

yea , seriously?, oh well I didn't know that they have been past down throughout internet history. Feeling pretty stupid right now.

[Wizard]

Most of these are commonplace. They've been past down throughout office email chains and forums throughout internet history.

 

Still pretty d4mn funny though.

 

yea , seriously?, oh well I didn't know that they have been past down throughout internet history. Feeling pretty stupid right now.

No worries, you wouldn't be the first to post regurgitated stuff on this forum. Plus, this is the first time these jokes have been posted, so it's not like you're spamming. We're not even getting Helions for this. >.>

[ninjagaiden]

lol, i fell of my chair laughing, theese are good

[phoexer]

Top notch, very funny jokes

[JcX]

Laughing my teeth out!

 

The first joke had already brought me down to floor.

Laughing non stop now...