If god was a programmer

[Sungazer]

Not sure what board i should be putting these in but programming seems the most appropriate since programmers would appreciate them the most. So, onward ho!

 

 

 

You know, many important theological questions are answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer:

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Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?

A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.

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Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?

A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions.

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Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?

A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.

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Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?

A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.

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Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?

A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase.

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Q: Who is Satan?

A: Satan is a MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

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Q: What is the role of sinners?

A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.

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Q: Where will I go after I die?

A: Onto a DAT tape.

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Q: Will I be reincarnated?

A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching those tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.

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Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?

A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.

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Q: What is the purpose of the universe?

A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

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Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?

A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.

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Q: What is the one true religion?

A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.

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Q: How can I protect myself from evil?

A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.

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Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?

A: They are much more likely to receive email.

 

Second funny one...

And yes i know these are old as time itself lol

 

In the beginning there was the Computer.

Loading Universe Kernel....

And God said

_ LET THERE BE LIGHT!

login: GOD

password: OMNISCIENT

Password incorrect. Try again.

password: OMNIPOTENT

Password incorrect. Try again.

password: TECHNOCRAT

And God logged on at 00:00:01 day 1.

# LET THERE BE LIGHT!

Unrecognisable command. Try again.

# CREATE LIGHT

Done

# RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH

And God created Day and Night. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 00:01:00 day 1.

 

And God logged on at 00:00:01 day 2.

# LET THERE BE FIRMAMENT IN THE MIDST OF WATER AND LIGHT

Unrecognisable command. Try again..

# CREATE FIRMAMENT

Done.

# RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH

And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 00:02:00 day 2.

 

And God logged on at 00:00:01 day 3.

# LET THE WATERS UNDER HEAVEN BE GATHERED TOGETHER UNTO ONE PLACE AND LET THE DRY LAND APPEAR

Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

# CREATE DRY_LAND

Done.

# RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH

# LET THE EARTH PRODUCE FRESH GROWTH LET THERE BE ON THE EARTH PLANTS

Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

# CREATE PLANTS

# RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH

So it was; the Earth yielded fresh growth plants bearing seed. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 00:02:00 day 3.

 

And God logged on at 00:00:01 day 4.

# CREATE LIGHTS IN THE FIRMAMENT TO DIVIDE THE DAY FROM THE NIGHT

Unspecified type. Try again.

# CREATE SUN_MOON_STARS

Done

# RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH

These lights governed day and night and separated light from darkness. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 00:02:00 day 4.

 

And God logged on at 00:00:01 day 5.

# CREATE FISH

Done

# CREATE FOWL

Done

# RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 00:02:00 day 5.

 

And God logged on at 00:00:01 day 6.

# CREATE CATTLE

Done

# CREATE CREEPY_THINGS

Done

# RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH

# NOW LET US MAKE MAN IN OUR IMAGE

Unspecified type. Try again.

# CREATE MAN

Done

# BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY AND REPLENISH THE EARTH AND SUBDUE IT AND HAVE DOMINION OVER THE FISH OF THE SEA AND OVER THE FOWL OF THE AIR AND OVER EVERY LIVING THING THAT CREEPETH UPON THE EARTH

Too many command operands. Try again.

# RUN MULTIPLICATION

Execution terminated. 6 errors.

# INSERT BREATH

Done

# RUN MULTIPLICATION

Execution terminated. 5 errors.

# MOVE MAN TO GARDEN OF EDEN

File Garden of Eden does not exist.

# CREATE GARDEN.EDN

Done

# MOVE MAN TO GARDEN.EDN

Done

# RUN MULTIPLICATION

Execution terminated. 4 errors.

# COPY WOMAN FROM MAN

Done

# RUN MULTIPLICATION

Execution terminated. 3 errors.

# CREATE DESIRE

Done

# RUN MULTIPLICATION

Execution terminated. 2 errors.

# CREATE FREEWILL

Done

# RUN FREEWILL

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit set. 1 errors.

# UNDO DESIRE

Desire cannot be undone. File may be in use by Freewill.

# DELETE FREEWILL

Freewill cannot be deleted. it may be a hidden or system file or may be in use.

Enter replacement cancel or ask for help.

# HELP

Desire cannot be undone. File may be in use by Freewill.

Freewill cannot be deleted. it may be a hidden or system file or may be in use.

Try again cancel or quit program.

Try again

Try again cancel or quit program.

cancel

Try again cancel or quit program.

quit

Try again cancel or quit program.

# CREATE TREE_OF_KNOWLEDGE

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit set. 1 errors.

# CREATE GOOD EVIL

Done

# ACTIVATE EVIL

And God saw he had created shame.

Warning system error. Missing or corrupt file: Man and Woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

# SCAN GARDEN.EDN FOR MAN WOMAN

Search failed.

# DELETE SHAME

Shame cannot be deleted. File may be in use by Freewill.

# DELETE FREEWILL

Freewill cannot be deleted. it may be a hidden or system file or may be in use.

Enter replacement cancel or ask for help.

# STOP

Unrecognizable command. Try again

# BREAK

# BREAK

# BREAK

ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR MAINTENANCE IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

# CREATE NEW WORLD

You have exceeded your allocated file space.

You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

# DESTROY EARTH

Destroy earth: Please confirm.

COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN.

SERVICES WILL RESUME day 8 AT 00:00:00

YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 23:59:59 day 6.

 

And God rested.

[awesomegamer]

Probably should have been put in Comedy.

I like the first part, the second portion is kinda repetitive and too obvious/predictable to be funny.

[MYSTi]

good imagination!!!!

[Wizard]

Yah, I've seen this before, it's nifty. Should be in the humor section, however. You don't get points for regurgitation.

[phoexer]

I like the first part, the second portion is kinda repetitive and too obvious/predictable to be funny

 

Speak for your self i found the second part hilarious! Especially his frustration towards the end trying to delete free will.

two thunbs and a toe up! [bleeped!] good joke.

[TroJan-X]

......so funny .....must....not .....pee.....pants....

[Frankie]

I wrote a short story similar to the 2nd part of ur post for a french assignment except where the world was an MMORPG where Jesus was played by God who was a hacker. It got me a 97% (3% was lost because I was supposed to identify my adverbs, adjectives, etc. but I didn't)

[karthiflash]

God is the man has More creativity then man..

 

Yeh, If god did his work in multimedia..

 

The quality will be superb....